Beautifultohim’s Weblog

I’m so tired of being confused.  As a friend recently told you, “your problem is that you don’t know what I want.”  Or maybe it’s that I want too many things and I can’t have them all.

So today I called this man of God and told him my situation.  It was a bit awkward because I don’t really know him, but at this point, I value truth/guidance over my dignity.

“If you want this [thing] more than you want the fullness of God, then …” I don’t even remember how he finished that statement, so stunned was I at how succinctly and incisively he summarized the skeleton, the true nature, of the struggle.  It was yet another permutation of God vs. another thing, yet another battle between Spirit and flesh. 

Funny how in my head it seemed far more complex than that.  Yet it so often boils down to that: What are you seeking first, to enter into greater oneness with God, or something else?  Even if that something else isn’t inherently a bad thing, if it becomes more important to you than God, if it motivates you more than He does, then it becomes something that ensnares you:

“For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He watches all his paths.  His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will held with the cords of his sin.  He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray” (Prov.5:21-23). 

It takes faith to believe that if we give up this temporal treasure, He’ll give us something better in return … perhaps not right away, perhaps not even in this life.  Yet faith by definition is not in what you see, but is “the conviction of things not seen” (Heb.11:1). 

I’m reminded that every time Abraham acted with meekness rather than a sense of entitlement–letting Lot choose which land he wanted, and refusing the riches offered by the king of Sodom–God reassured him that He was the giver of good things and revealed more details about how He would fulfill His promise.  In the former case, He reiterated His promise of great land and numerous descendants, but also revealed his descendants would be as the dust of the earth.  In the latter case, in addition to reassuring Abraham of his protection, He also said, “Your reward shall be very great.”  Following this, He revealed that the heir would come from Abraham’s own body. 

Apparently, as Abraham passed these smaller tests of faith, God rewarded him with more tidbits of information about this future blessing, thereby fortifying his faith and preparing him for greater future tests.  I suppose it would not have built his character/faith as much if, say, God gave him a vision that showed in detail how the promise would work out. 

And as for me, I am challenged to believe that whatever is given up for God’s sake is rubbish, and if I let go of these fleeting treasures, I will be well-rewarded. 

I suppose the dilemma is really quite simple.  What do you want more? 

The whole world and all its riches and everything that seems pleasing to you …

or oneness with God? 

I’m not saying that the true mark of a spiritual person is to be poor and deprived of all pleasure, but rather, the true mark is what you love most–what you desire most. 

As he said to me, “We only have a limited amount of energy to expend on people and activities.  100% of that energy should be directed toward pursuing oneness with God.  Anyone/anything that disrupts your spirit and arouses your flesh should be completely avoided because whatever arouses your flesh is against the spirit.” 

“For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.”  (2 Chr.16:9)