I’m so tired of being confused. As a friend recently told you, “your problem is that you don’t know what I want.” Or maybe it’s that I want too many things and I can’t have them all.
So today I called this man of God and told him my situation. It was a bit awkward because I don’t really know him, but at this point, I value truth/guidance over my dignity.
“If you want this [thing] more than you want the fullness of God, then …” I don’t even remember how he finished that statement, so stunned was I at how succinctly and incisively he summarized the skeleton, the true nature, of the struggle. It was yet another permutation of God vs. another thing, yet another battle between Spirit and flesh.
Funny how in my head it seemed far more complex than that. Yet it so often boils down to that: What are you seeking first, to enter into greater oneness with God, or something else? Even if that something else isn’t inherently a bad thing, if it becomes more important to you than God, if it motivates you more than He does, then it becomes something that ensnares you:
“For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray” (Prov.5:21-23).
It takes faith to believe that if we give up this temporal treasure, He’ll give us something better in return … perhaps not right away, perhaps not even in this life. Yet faith by definition is not in what you see, but is “the conviction of things not seen” (Heb.11:1).
I’m reminded that every time Abraham acted with meekness rather than a sense of entitlement–letting Lot choose which land he wanted, and refusing the riches offered by the king of Sodom–God reassured him that He was the giver of good things and revealed more details about how He would fulfill His promise. In the former case, He reiterated His promise of great land and numerous descendants, but also revealed his descendants would be as the dust of the earth. In the latter case, in addition to reassuring Abraham of his protection, He also said, “Your reward shall be very great.” Following this, He revealed that the heir would come from Abraham’s own body.
Apparently, as Abraham passed these smaller tests of faith, God rewarded him with more tidbits of information about this future blessing, thereby fortifying his faith and preparing him for greater future tests. I suppose it would not have built his character/faith as much if, say, God gave him a vision that showed in detail how the promise would work out.
And as for me, I am challenged to believe that whatever is given up for God’s sake is rubbish, and if I let go of these fleeting treasures, I will be well-rewarded.
I suppose the dilemma is really quite simple. What do you want more?
The whole world and all its riches and everything that seems pleasing to you …
or oneness with God?
I’m not saying that the true mark of a spiritual person is to be poor and deprived of all pleasure, but rather, the true mark is what you love most–what you desire most.
As he said to me, “We only have a limited amount of energy to expend on people and activities. 100% of that energy should be directed toward pursuing oneness with God. Anyone/anything that disrupts your spirit and arouses your flesh should be completely avoided because whatever arouses your flesh is against the spirit.”
“For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” (2 Chr.16:9)
Today has been a really good day so far … a day full of surprises! Yes, I was spoiled–I mean blessed–by God today. I had the privilege of doing 2 things I really like to do: 1) teaching english, 2) engaging in meaningful conversation about God with Sapna.
Today was my first day at Top Academy, an organization near Bellevue. (Can I just say how much I love Bellevue and wouldn’t at all mind living there? My parents are leaving for a few weeks for SE Asia this thursdsay and I can’t go due to my new job. It hurts as I could’ve gotten a free plan ticket AND stayed at the Grand Hyatt in Singapore! But as soon as I realized I’d be alone for 3 weeks, I really wished I’d a friend who lived in Bellevue who I could crash with … to even frequent the mall is to feel like a member of the up and coming Yuppie class, and to feel that though I don’t have much money in my account, much more is coming my way. Belle square makes me happy, makes me feel the whole world is clean, sweet-smelling, well-mannered, well-dressed, and after doing a bit of shopping and going to a salon, that I’d fit right in. I love movies that show the simpler, sweeter side of life as well–1950’s housewives that are happy, rather than repressed/suicidal–men and women being content and happy with their current station in life. Conflict is what makes for tension in movies, but there’s a certain comfort to the certainty that in the end, all will once again be well).
My class went well. The students are all Korean-American … everywhere I go, I can’t get away from “them” Koreans. They are everywhere, including the church I currently attend (New Covenant Baptist Church). I was nervous beforehand, but once I met the students, I felt they wouldn’t be hard to work with at all, and I was right. All in all, I was pleasantly surprised by how sweet the students were.
Afterward I went to Sapna’s lovely mansion and we talked for 4 hours. Aside from her testimonies, much of the conversation revolved around me.
Here were some interesting things she said:
-that I think like an engineer, more of a math/science person than a humanities person. This was totally a shock to me. I realized that in my desire to rebel from my family’s Asian–and therefore, I thought, repressive, restrictve, soul-sucking–culture, I’ve strived to embrace everything non-Asian, such as all subjects dealing with the realm of subjective human experience and emotion. I love books and films that portray an unconventional point of view, and most of all, books that depict characters who know how to live with passion and great feeling, because frankly … I resented my Asian culture for feeling like a straight-jacket.
I realized I really need to repent for my bitterness against my culture and really against myself, my own attempts to be as un-Asian as possible and to not be tainted by the Asianness of those I associate with. I don’t have anything against Asians. But I, personally, fight against thinking of myself as Asian. I don’t want to be Asian. I want to transcend such fleshly cultural boundaries and simply be me, Tania. What is race and culture after all, but manmade constructs that restrict from soaring to the heights where true self-actualization lies?
But what she said made me think … perhaps I am more like my family than I care to admit. Perhaps I really do think like a scientist, but am just disgusted at the thought of doing something as conventionally Asian as engineering.
While I’ve never naturally gravitated toward math and science, maybe that’s because the humanities helps me attain a semblance of psychological balance in my life. I say a “semblance” because it cannot really cure the fact that I do not know how to deal with my emotions. Because I’ve felt my family and culture tell me not to follow my emotions, I have such a strong desire to both experience and surrender myself to emotions, even to the point of irrationality and chaos. (They say that those who live during war-time like to read books depicting tranquility, while those who live during peace-time like to read books filled with crime, intrigue, and war). To exaggerate, it’s as though I’ve felt like a cerebral masterpiece of a robot who looks at the wild beast ravaging its prey or frolicking instinctively and unwittingly through the jungle, and envies that beast. Oh, to live by instinct, to live and not preflect or reflect, but just to live! To live without thinking, without punishing superego, social conscience, the burden of duty.
-I also shared how sometimes I have this desire, not so much to be loved–though everyone wants that, of course–but to love. And not just agape love. Sometimes I just have this overwhelming tenderness in my heart that is just waiting to find someone. And if I could just lavish my love on someone I would feel more fulfilled, even if that person didn’t reciprocate my affections. And in more than just words. I don’t think this desire is really erotic or even necessarily romantic. I can only describe it as similar to the deep affection I feel for my cat and dog. Instinctively I feel tenderly toward them, want to emotionally nurture them.
I love how facile it is to win the affection of animals. All it takes is a few minutes of petting and cooing their name in that affectionate way, and they purr/coo like they’re in 7th heaven. While you can enjoy deeper intimacy with some people than with animals, I wish we could all be that responsive when someone so much as says our name. If only a hug and a pat could melt our hearts and make us forgive the one who wronged us, as it does after I’ve ignored my cat and dog. Wouldn’t that be nice, if we could be as tender-hearted toward people as our pets are toward us?
hmm … or maybe this is my biological clock’s way of telling me it’s time to have poopy bratty kids who will test my ability at giving endless love?
… another thing Sapna said is that her impression of me has always been “a really soft person who works hard to not seem that way.” I suppose that I simply don’t know what to do with this thing called “emotions.” It seems dangerous to be vulnerable, but the only alternative is depression/repression. When you repress part of who you are, part of yourself becomes depressed–held back from fully expressed God’s glory. And I’ve definitely been that for many years.
Right now I can only imagine lavishing that onto one person. But Sapna told me she thinks that my true desire is really to love many people, and that God will enlarge my heart to be able to do that.
The thing I really appreciate about Sapna is how she challenges people–even just by her lifestyle–to rethink the common conceptions of Christianity. To not passively receive everything the church teaches us, but to look to the Spirit and the Word to know the Truth. For this reason whenever I see her, I come away with a foretaste of greater freedom in my mouth. I realize that perhaps some of my Christian duties have become a bondage. I feel more free to pursue happiness in my life, less bound to always fret about doing the “right” thing.
